There are two things that Corinne Parker knows to be true: that she is in love with Maggie Bailey, the captain of the rival high school’s cross-country team and her secret girlfriend of a year, and that she isn’t ready for anyone to know she’s bisexual. 

But then Maggie dies, and Corinne quickly learns that the only thing worse than losing Maggie is being left heartbroken over a relationship no one knows existed. And to make things even more complicated, the only person she can turn to is Elissa — Maggie’s ex, and the single person who understands how Corinne is feeling.  

As Corinne struggles to make sense of her grief and what she truly wants out of life, she begins to have feelings for the last person she should fall for. But to move forward after losing Maggie, Corinne will have to learn to be honest with the people in her life… starting with herself.

Well.

There go my feelings, I guess. I mean…I just…

*stares vacantly into the middle distance, “Recite Remorse” by Waxahatchee plays softly in the background*

There was a funny quote/blurb that Nita Tyndall posted just prior to the release of their debut novel WHO I WAS WITH HER, and it became something of a running joke on Twitter. It was from their grandmother, who called to say “I’m reading your book! It’s very sad.”

And oh…wow. Is it ever. This book is just…an achingly beautiful, devastatingly sad portrayal of love, loss, and the unpredictability of grief. I’m in awe of this book, and the sheer range of emotions I went through reading it.

This is the story of Corinne (occasionally known as Corey, which, hey…that’s my name!), a seventeen-year-old high school senior. Her parents have somewhat recently divorced, her mother is a barely-functioning alcoholic, and Maggie, the girl that Corinne was secretly in a relationship with for almost a year, has just tragically died in a car accident.

I mean. Fuck.

The book bounces back and forth quite a lot, as we get to see Corinne fall for Maggie, who goes to another school and is ostensibly Corinne’s cross country running rival. So Corinne is chasing Maggie, both metaphorically and literally. But her attraction to Maggie comes as something of a surprise to her, and a big part of the story is Corinne coming to terms with her bisexuality. Her decision to keep things secret is a big source of tension in the relationship, as Maggie wants them to be out as a couple.

After Maggie dies, Corinne meets Maggie’s ex and the two of them take some comfort in reminiscing about Maggie, but their relationship grows…complicated. Messy. Corinne is dealing with some horrible circumstances, all while trying to decide who she wants to be, and what she wants to do.

And I think that’s what struck me so hard in the feels about this book, how you really feel, right along with Corinne, how fucking endlessly messy grief is. Second-guessing yourself. Am I grieving enough? Am I grieving the right way? Do I even deserve to grieve?

Oof.

This book fully wrecked me, and I loved every bit of it. I’m relatively newish to reading YA, but I loved that Tyndall is quite liberal with their use of profanity…I mean, fuck, kids swear. No sense trying to make everything squeaky clean when life is anything but. This book just felt so brutally authentic, so emotionally raw, like an exposed nerve. WHO I WAS WITH HER broke me in a lot of ways, and I loved it so stupid much.